Confused identity

As a child, I have always been the timid one. I'm not sure how things were in your household, but with us, each of us had a special label that was attached to us, a way to identity who were were and our personality. My brother, well, he was 'the boy'. It doesn't get better than that. My sister was 'the lively one', 'the live of the party','the cool one' and I, I was 'the sheep', 'the timid one', the shy and quiet one'. I always looked enviously at my sister and her big personality. I wished I was popular, a people-magnet, beautiful and funny. But I was smart and witty and sensible. Those were good things too right....

All was well in our house of labels, until my sister moved out. There was a silence in the house, an emptiness that I could not fill, and I was reminded of that daily. I began to consciously transform myself into her. I learnt how to laugh heartily (really, I'm the girl who giggled and hiccuped (sometimes snorted) as I laughed), I learnt how to small talk and crack jokes and add flavour to a conversation with silly accents. To those who didn't know the old me, I was dynamic. To those who knew me, I was trying too hard. To those who knew my sister, I just wasn't dynamic enough. Slowly, I shred myself of my personality and took on another.

As my sister got older, she went from vivacious to quiet, leaving a space for me to enter and fill the void I could never fill before. I slowly became the loud one, the funny one, the adventurous one, the carefree one. I was the one I could never be before. I was so happy but scared. I had fooled everyone and I lived (and still live) in fear that people will catch me out. People will eventually realise that I am not that interesting and I am a little awkward. On the days that people catch a glimpse of my sister's real personality, she outshines me, without even trying. 

Today I am mother and my daughter is me. She is shy, timid and awkward and it drives me mad because she is who I have tried so hard to be rid of. She says things I think, but dare not say. She is confident in her shyness and I see people accept her for who she is. She isn't super popular but she is well-liked and has good friends. Perhaps I used to be like that but never understood that people liked me as I was. 

Maybe that's why I am confused because I don't know who I am.  I can't go back to the shy, timid girl I used to be.  As my sister heals and finds her super power, I am wondering if the two of us can coexist or will I shun myself back in the corner? 

It's hard when you compare yourself to others. Hopefully, in time, I will find my true self (a person that is me and her together - smart and funny, loud and sensible, adventurous and cautious) .. a real merging of the best of us.