The Storm

There was a storm brewing inside me today. This whole week, I have tried really hard to let things slide, to trust myself and not let things bother me. 

So as always my youngest woke at 6 (strike 1) and refused to eat breakfast (strike 2). I let her sleep longer this morning because, well, why not! She refused to settle for her afternoon nap, crying for ages (strike 3)! 

At this crying point, my eldest walked in from school and as always, started chatted happily. What did I do? I took my frustration out on her. Barely able to focus, I couldn't give her the time she needed and deserved. I told her, "Look, I'm stressed! Don't bother me." What did she do? She gave me space. 

I carried on working, cooked and tried to compose myself. She started talking again. What did I do? The same thing. What did I say? "Look, I'm really angry today.  Not at you, but I'm angry". What did she do? Reluctantly, gave me more space.

My heart was racing. Everything was bothering me. As the afternoon wore on, I got more and more grumpy. By this point, my eldest was picking up on my energy, refusing to say her prayers and being really ridiculous.  I thought I am going to flip. 

Then while my daughter said her prayers, I said my prayers too.  As I prayed, I picked out mistakes in her prayer - too fast! too unfocused! too much! The storm had reached my throat now. I visualised giving her a real telling off after my prayers. I was so involved in myself, in my anger and in my frustration,  I didn't realise that actually, I had made plenty of mistakes in my prayers. Not only did my daughter notice, she asked me to explain my prayer to her. Whoops! 

As I closed my prayer mat, I felt calmer and more collected. I don't know if I was it the prayer or the mistakes that humbled me but I am so relieved that I calmed down. If I had given her a telling off today, I would have been in the wrong today.

There was a storm brewing inside me today.  It cleared and I am so glad it did. 

Would you believe it if I told you that she just apologised for her behaviour - unprompted. Hmmm....  (sigh of relief and happiness).

Confused identity

As a child, I have always been the timid one. I'm not sure how things were in your household, but with us, each of us had a special label that was attached to us, a way to identity who were were and our personality. My brother, well, he was 'the boy'. It doesn't get better than that. My sister was 'the lively one', 'the live of the party','the cool one' and I, I was 'the sheep', 'the timid one', the shy and quiet one'. I always looked enviously at my sister and her big personality. I wished I was popular, a people-magnet, beautiful and funny. But I was smart and witty and sensible. Those were good things too right....

All was well in our house of labels, until my sister moved out. There was a silence in the house, an emptiness that I could not fill, and I was reminded of that daily. I began to consciously transform myself into her. I learnt how to laugh heartily (really, I'm the girl who giggled and hiccuped (sometimes snorted) as I laughed), I learnt how to small talk and crack jokes and add flavour to a conversation with silly accents. To those who didn't know the old me, I was dynamic. To those who knew me, I was trying too hard. To those who knew my sister, I just wasn't dynamic enough. Slowly, I shred myself of my personality and took on another.

As my sister got older, she went from vivacious to quiet, leaving a space for me to enter and fill the void I could never fill before. I slowly became the loud one, the funny one, the adventurous one, the carefree one. I was the one I could never be before. I was so happy but scared. I had fooled everyone and I lived (and still live) in fear that people will catch me out. People will eventually realise that I am not that interesting and I am a little awkward. On the days that people catch a glimpse of my sister's real personality, she outshines me, without even trying. 

Today I am mother and my daughter is me. She is shy, timid and awkward and it drives me mad because she is who I have tried so hard to be rid of. She says things I think, but dare not say. She is confident in her shyness and I see people accept her for who she is. She isn't super popular but she is well-liked and has good friends. Perhaps I used to be like that but never understood that people liked me as I was. 

Maybe that's why I am confused because I don't know who I am.  I can't go back to the shy, timid girl I used to be.  As my sister heals and finds her super power, I am wondering if the two of us can coexist or will I shun myself back in the corner? 

It's hard when you compare yourself to others. Hopefully, in time, I will find my true self (a person that is me and her together - smart and funny, loud and sensible, adventurous and cautious) .. a real merging of the best of us. 

The Worries

 I worry. A lot. I am trying not to but I do. And when I worry, I rely on good old Google to provide the solutions to my worries.  I can spend hours reading about other people's experiences and reactions to things I am going through. I like to strategize about how I will tackle the issue at hand and when I get in panic mode, I write the plan and stick as rigidly as possible to the plan. 

What's the world crisis I am resolving today you ask... sleep! After a month and a half of sleep training, Noor ( my 9 month baby) is now sleeping in her cot without white noise and a swaddle and most importantly, without me shooshing and patting her. YEY!

So what's the problem now? 5:45am wake up! What should I do? So many contrasting opinions - feed/don't feed. Earlier bedtime/ later bedtime. Overtired/undertired.  How the hell did our parents do it? They didn't have Gina Ford telling them to wake baby up after an hour! 

While I am trying to allow myself to relax about it, Google and I were already strategizing under the sheets this morning as I prayed vehemently for her to go back to sleep.

It's really easy for me to say, I'm not going to worry. I do. A lot. I have a plan in place and I am sticking to it. Perhaps I need to rely on my intuition to help me resolve this? The plan isn't working anyway. It can't get worse than this can it? ( I hope I have not challenged the God of Early Rising to show me how much worse it can get!)

The problem is I'm scared to trust my intuition.  How can I be right when Google and the thousand sleep consultants say otherwise? And every time she doesn't follow my carefully thought out plans, I feel I have failed and the cycle starts again. Bin the old plan. Begin trouble shooting. Worry Worry Worry. ANGER! BLAME! SNAP! Produce New Plan. A moment of peace.

Will the cycle end?

Shedding Skins.... Preparing for inspiration

It's 7:45pm and my second child is in her crib, self soothing (to uneducated ears, it sounds like crying but really, it is her grumbling saying, "Hey, please let me play for a little longer"). I like to put her down before the adhaan, because the loud, soothing call to prayer seems to lull her to sleep every night.  It also wakes her up every morning at 5:30am and prematurely from her afternoon nap (that's when I wish I had that bloody mute button but I have to accept, I can't control it all).

Anyway, I digress. It's 7:51pm.  The adhaan is over. My daughter is asleep. My other daughter is having dinner and I... well, I am supposed to be saying my prayers and I will be, right after I finish this post. Not that I don't value my prayer, or my routine. More that, I am ready to shed my old skin. I am ready to find my voice. I am ready to let inspiration touch me and I am ready to inspire.

Right after I say my prayers, answer my eldest daughter's questions, meet my friends for coffee, watch some Netflix and worry about my youngest daughter's nap schedule. Actually, CORRECTION - I'm not going to worry about her schedule. Actually, FURTHER CORRECTION - I'm not going to worry!

The old me would be worried about about not worried. The new me will probably be worried too, but the new me is going to react different to worry.  I'm going to thank it for coming. I'll entertain it for a few minutes (I mean, we are old friends). Then I am going to find a way to say goodbye. In a few weeks, I think worry will get the hint.  If not, I worry about it then.