A bad day

 Today I just want to cry. My heart is heavy and I feel so wounded. I just want the tears to flow but I can't. Tears please flow

The art of manifesting

 I think I get it.

This is what happens now.

I have subconscious beliefs and labels I operate from. These are:

1. I am a positive person.

2. I am strong (emotionally)

3. I like people to think I'm emotionally strong and like to be praised for getting through tough times with a smile.

Enter various situations to test my beliefs:

A few days after my dad passed away, I remember going to my aunt's house and I was happy there. I remember thinking, "When I go back home, I'll be sad and everyone will say, "Oh, poor her. She needs to be away from the house to be happy, and I will be the girl who needed to be away from the house to be happy". 

After that, every scenario about death and strength played out in my head. My mum was the youngest and her husband died early therefore my husband will die early too because I am the youngest. I will have the opportunity to show my emotional strength like my mother did. The stories continue.

Asif fell sick - wow, Fatema is so strong.

Zaynab falls sick (in anyway) - Fatema is so strong.

Miscarriages - Fatema is so strong.

Noor is born with a hole in her heart - Fatema is so strong.

Asif falls sick again - Fatema is so strong.

Fatema goes back to work after 5 months of maternity leave - Fatema is so strong.

Family goes from 7 to 13 overnight - ohhh, that's a great story and Fatema is so strong.

Is there a pattern? Seems so.

I need to switch the pattern and start to manifest from a place of consciousness and a place of purpose.

I need to find my purpose. 

Finding Direction

We all have an inner compass that guides us along our journey called life. Sometimes we get lost along the way, sometimes we have stop to ask for directions but eventually, we hope we will get to our destination.  This gets me thinking about a few things:

Is there just one destination to get to? I don't think so. We are on a journey with multiple destinations and most times, we don't return to our original destination. 

Imagine for a minute, you want to go somewhere new, it's kind of far and you have kind of been there before, but not really - but today, that's where you want to go. What do you do? Well, if you are me, you ask everyone who has been on the journey to tell you about their journey, then you look on google maps for directions, traffic news, and your ETA. Then you write the directions down, incase google maps doesn't work. And when you finally head on the road, you proceed cautiously. For the first part of the journey, you turn on your music and chill out because you are familiar with the beginning route I know. As you get to the unknown roads, you sit a little straighter, turn down the music and focus quite intently. You may even stop to ask for additional directions. Then you finally get to my destination. PHEW! All this would happen if you were me.

Now, in my tangible life, after spending some time at my destination, I would head back home.  But I think when I am growing mentally and spiritually, I don't really want to go back home, because that would be regression. I might visit it and pick up something I forgot, but the new destination, my new mindset, is my new home until I'm are ready to grow again - and so starts the journey again.  In this mental journey, a clear sense of direction is really important because when google fails, and when there is construction on the road, you can only rely on yourself to navigate. 

In your new home, you may see some familiar faces, and you will definitely see new faces. 

Now, let's just say I have lived happily in my new mindset for a year and oh, it's time to move again. This time, I have go even further and I need directions. Will I call my old people for directions? Will they even know the way? Or will I look to the people who are currently around me? Well, I think I answer is obvious. Ofcourse, my current tribe (which may include people from my older tribe). But what do I do in my real life? I still ask  and hope for validation my old people, even though I know they have never been on that journey, even though I know there are other people who can guide me better but I hang on to the old because once upon a time, they guided me so well.

Today I am making a decision to sit with something when I want clarity. I will ask myself, what should I do? And I will listen to myself because I have everything within me to guide me.