A bad day

 Today I just want to cry. My heart is heavy and I feel so wounded. I just want the tears to flow but I can't. Tears please flow

The art of manifesting

 I think I get it.

This is what happens now.

I have subconscious beliefs and labels I operate from. These are:

1. I am a positive person.

2. I am strong (emotionally)

3. I like people to think I'm emotionally strong and like to be praised for getting through tough times with a smile.

Enter various situations to test my beliefs:

A few days after my dad passed away, I remember going to my aunt's house and I was happy there. I remember thinking, "When I go back home, I'll be sad and everyone will say, "Oh, poor her. She needs to be away from the house to be happy, and I will be the girl who needed to be away from the house to be happy". 

After that, every scenario about death and strength played out in my head. My mum was the youngest and her husband died early therefore my husband will die early too because I am the youngest. I will have the opportunity to show my emotional strength like my mother did. The stories continue.

Asif fell sick - wow, Fatema is so strong.

Zaynab falls sick (in anyway) - Fatema is so strong.

Miscarriages - Fatema is so strong.

Noor is born with a hole in her heart - Fatema is so strong.

Asif falls sick again - Fatema is so strong.

Fatema goes back to work after 5 months of maternity leave - Fatema is so strong.

Family goes from 7 to 13 overnight - ohhh, that's a great story and Fatema is so strong.

Is there a pattern? Seems so.

I need to switch the pattern and start to manifest from a place of consciousness and a place of purpose.

I need to find my purpose. 

Finding Direction

We all have an inner compass that guides us along our journey called life. Sometimes we get lost along the way, sometimes we have stop to ask for directions but eventually, we hope we will get to our destination.  This gets me thinking about a few things:

Is there just one destination to get to? I don't think so. We are on a journey with multiple destinations and most times, we don't return to our original destination. 

Imagine for a minute, you want to go somewhere new, it's kind of far and you have kind of been there before, but not really - but today, that's where you want to go. What do you do? Well, if you are me, you ask everyone who has been on the journey to tell you about their journey, then you look on google maps for directions, traffic news, and your ETA. Then you write the directions down, incase google maps doesn't work. And when you finally head on the road, you proceed cautiously. For the first part of the journey, you turn on your music and chill out because you are familiar with the beginning route I know. As you get to the unknown roads, you sit a little straighter, turn down the music and focus quite intently. You may even stop to ask for additional directions. Then you finally get to my destination. PHEW! All this would happen if you were me.

Now, in my tangible life, after spending some time at my destination, I would head back home.  But I think when I am growing mentally and spiritually, I don't really want to go back home, because that would be regression. I might visit it and pick up something I forgot, but the new destination, my new mindset, is my new home until I'm are ready to grow again - and so starts the journey again.  In this mental journey, a clear sense of direction is really important because when google fails, and when there is construction on the road, you can only rely on yourself to navigate. 

In your new home, you may see some familiar faces, and you will definitely see new faces. 

Now, let's just say I have lived happily in my new mindset for a year and oh, it's time to move again. This time, I have go even further and I need directions. Will I call my old people for directions? Will they even know the way? Or will I look to the people who are currently around me? Well, I think I answer is obvious. Ofcourse, my current tribe (which may include people from my older tribe). But what do I do in my real life? I still ask  and hope for validation my old people, even though I know they have never been on that journey, even though I know there are other people who can guide me better but I hang on to the old because once upon a time, they guided me so well.

Today I am making a decision to sit with something when I want clarity. I will ask myself, what should I do? And I will listen to myself because I have everything within me to guide me.

The Storm

There was a storm brewing inside me today. This whole week, I have tried really hard to let things slide, to trust myself and not let things bother me. 

So as always my youngest woke at 6 (strike 1) and refused to eat breakfast (strike 2). I let her sleep longer this morning because, well, why not! She refused to settle for her afternoon nap, crying for ages (strike 3)! 

At this crying point, my eldest walked in from school and as always, started chatted happily. What did I do? I took my frustration out on her. Barely able to focus, I couldn't give her the time she needed and deserved. I told her, "Look, I'm stressed! Don't bother me." What did she do? She gave me space. 

I carried on working, cooked and tried to compose myself. She started talking again. What did I do? The same thing. What did I say? "Look, I'm really angry today.  Not at you, but I'm angry". What did she do? Reluctantly, gave me more space.

My heart was racing. Everything was bothering me. As the afternoon wore on, I got more and more grumpy. By this point, my eldest was picking up on my energy, refusing to say her prayers and being really ridiculous.  I thought I am going to flip. 

Then while my daughter said her prayers, I said my prayers too.  As I prayed, I picked out mistakes in her prayer - too fast! too unfocused! too much! The storm had reached my throat now. I visualised giving her a real telling off after my prayers. I was so involved in myself, in my anger and in my frustration,  I didn't realise that actually, I had made plenty of mistakes in my prayers. Not only did my daughter notice, she asked me to explain my prayer to her. Whoops! 

As I closed my prayer mat, I felt calmer and more collected. I don't know if I was it the prayer or the mistakes that humbled me but I am so relieved that I calmed down. If I had given her a telling off today, I would have been in the wrong today.

There was a storm brewing inside me today.  It cleared and I am so glad it did. 

Would you believe it if I told you that she just apologised for her behaviour - unprompted. Hmmm....  (sigh of relief and happiness).

Confused identity

As a child, I have always been the timid one. I'm not sure how things were in your household, but with us, each of us had a special label that was attached to us, a way to identity who were were and our personality. My brother, well, he was 'the boy'. It doesn't get better than that. My sister was 'the lively one', 'the live of the party','the cool one' and I, I was 'the sheep', 'the timid one', the shy and quiet one'. I always looked enviously at my sister and her big personality. I wished I was popular, a people-magnet, beautiful and funny. But I was smart and witty and sensible. Those were good things too right....

All was well in our house of labels, until my sister moved out. There was a silence in the house, an emptiness that I could not fill, and I was reminded of that daily. I began to consciously transform myself into her. I learnt how to laugh heartily (really, I'm the girl who giggled and hiccuped (sometimes snorted) as I laughed), I learnt how to small talk and crack jokes and add flavour to a conversation with silly accents. To those who didn't know the old me, I was dynamic. To those who knew me, I was trying too hard. To those who knew my sister, I just wasn't dynamic enough. Slowly, I shred myself of my personality and took on another.

As my sister got older, she went from vivacious to quiet, leaving a space for me to enter and fill the void I could never fill before. I slowly became the loud one, the funny one, the adventurous one, the carefree one. I was the one I could never be before. I was so happy but scared. I had fooled everyone and I lived (and still live) in fear that people will catch me out. People will eventually realise that I am not that interesting and I am a little awkward. On the days that people catch a glimpse of my sister's real personality, she outshines me, without even trying. 

Today I am mother and my daughter is me. She is shy, timid and awkward and it drives me mad because she is who I have tried so hard to be rid of. She says things I think, but dare not say. She is confident in her shyness and I see people accept her for who she is. She isn't super popular but she is well-liked and has good friends. Perhaps I used to be like that but never understood that people liked me as I was. 

Maybe that's why I am confused because I don't know who I am.  I can't go back to the shy, timid girl I used to be.  As my sister heals and finds her super power, I am wondering if the two of us can coexist or will I shun myself back in the corner? 

It's hard when you compare yourself to others. Hopefully, in time, I will find my true self (a person that is me and her together - smart and funny, loud and sensible, adventurous and cautious) .. a real merging of the best of us. 

The Worries

 I worry. A lot. I am trying not to but I do. And when I worry, I rely on good old Google to provide the solutions to my worries.  I can spend hours reading about other people's experiences and reactions to things I am going through. I like to strategize about how I will tackle the issue at hand and when I get in panic mode, I write the plan and stick as rigidly as possible to the plan. 

What's the world crisis I am resolving today you ask... sleep! After a month and a half of sleep training, Noor ( my 9 month baby) is now sleeping in her cot without white noise and a swaddle and most importantly, without me shooshing and patting her. YEY!

So what's the problem now? 5:45am wake up! What should I do? So many contrasting opinions - feed/don't feed. Earlier bedtime/ later bedtime. Overtired/undertired.  How the hell did our parents do it? They didn't have Gina Ford telling them to wake baby up after an hour! 

While I am trying to allow myself to relax about it, Google and I were already strategizing under the sheets this morning as I prayed vehemently for her to go back to sleep.

It's really easy for me to say, I'm not going to worry. I do. A lot. I have a plan in place and I am sticking to it. Perhaps I need to rely on my intuition to help me resolve this? The plan isn't working anyway. It can't get worse than this can it? ( I hope I have not challenged the God of Early Rising to show me how much worse it can get!)

The problem is I'm scared to trust my intuition.  How can I be right when Google and the thousand sleep consultants say otherwise? And every time she doesn't follow my carefully thought out plans, I feel I have failed and the cycle starts again. Bin the old plan. Begin trouble shooting. Worry Worry Worry. ANGER! BLAME! SNAP! Produce New Plan. A moment of peace.

Will the cycle end?

Shedding Skins.... Preparing for inspiration

It's 7:45pm and my second child is in her crib, self soothing (to uneducated ears, it sounds like crying but really, it is her grumbling saying, "Hey, please let me play for a little longer"). I like to put her down before the adhaan, because the loud, soothing call to prayer seems to lull her to sleep every night.  It also wakes her up every morning at 5:30am and prematurely from her afternoon nap (that's when I wish I had that bloody mute button but I have to accept, I can't control it all).

Anyway, I digress. It's 7:51pm.  The adhaan is over. My daughter is asleep. My other daughter is having dinner and I... well, I am supposed to be saying my prayers and I will be, right after I finish this post. Not that I don't value my prayer, or my routine. More that, I am ready to shed my old skin. I am ready to find my voice. I am ready to let inspiration touch me and I am ready to inspire.

Right after I say my prayers, answer my eldest daughter's questions, meet my friends for coffee, watch some Netflix and worry about my youngest daughter's nap schedule. Actually, CORRECTION - I'm not going to worry about her schedule. Actually, FURTHER CORRECTION - I'm not going to worry!

The old me would be worried about about not worried. The new me will probably be worried too, but the new me is going to react different to worry.  I'm going to thank it for coming. I'll entertain it for a few minutes (I mean, we are old friends). Then I am going to find a way to say goodbye. In a few weeks, I think worry will get the hint.  If not, I worry about it then.

Almost a year and what a year!

So, it has been almost a year since my last blog. I am so shocked with how quickly time has flown and my nonchalant attitude towards my blog. I remember when I first began this blog, I was a vision of obsession - everything was a story, everything was "blogworthy".

Like my previous blogs, I am tempted to make excuses for not blogging but this time, I can't think of a single good excuse. This last year has been inspiring, eventful, and full of unexpected beautiful surprises that I wish I penned.

My experience of living Dubai has been incredible - a journey of new learning and opportunities for continued growth. One of the things I have dabbled in this year has been life coaching. One of my motivations for taking this accreditation was to get over my crazy fears - like dogs. While I am still scared of dogs, (and was almost attacked by one last week - I can still hear my scream of terror echoing in the street), I am excited to announce that I am looking to the future and unexpected with hope, courage and strength. I don't know what secrets the year ahead has hidden for me to experience, what jewels of wisdom I will learn, what new friendships I will discover, but I know I am ready and I am excited!

Looking forward to 2009!
With Love....

Read the post written on October 10 - The post that went unpublished - It supplements this entry beautifully.

Searching to learn

I promised to learn something new everyday in an effort to grow. Now if I am not going to mosque to get that information, I need to find something to learn on my own. And that is exactly what I did - only to find myself quite frustrated.

I sat in the kitchen at the island with a freshly made cup of Davidoff coffee sitting beside me. Equipped with my laptop, I sat and thought. I first went to Google and stared at the search bar. What key phrases was i to put "Daily inspiration", "Muharram"?? There were too many choices. I had to narrow it down. I had an idea - I needed to go back to where I learned best. My mom had told me that the lectures in Toronto were quite good so I searched the web for the Toronto website and found the lectures.

Excited, I picked the majlis that read, "How Sincere Simple Actions are Magnified". I loved how the topic sounded and couldn't wait to immerse myself int it. I pressed play and waited. I heard some Quran. Realizing it was Yaseeen, I looked for the forward button, but it did not operate. Finally it ended, followed by Dua e Kumail.

I am still listening to Dua e Kumail as i write this...what annoys me is my laptop battery will be over in 10 mins and my eyes are shutting. All I want is to listen to a lecture but I have to listen to the preamble before I can get to the core! This is not making lectures more accessible to people like me. All I want is the lecture. As listeners, we should have the ability to rewind and fast forward as we see fit.

Until I recharge my battery....

Coming To Dubai

Sheikh zayed road was empty. Not a car on the road, barely a soul on the streets. The usually busy city of Dubai became a "ghost town" on Monday January 14, 2008. Why I hear my non existent readers ask - b/c of U.S. President George Bush.

On Sunday, after a long weekend, I tumbled out of bed, sleep still in my eyes and faced the world. I was ready for a full week that consists of 5 days. On my calender, the next long weekend will be in March. What a long time to wait I thought to myself as I sipped the steeped tea in my "Second Cup" mug.

At the end of the day, a parent came into my class wondering if there was school on the next day.
"Why of course" I replied confidently thinking he was referring to a school closure due to the heavy downpour.
"All the roads are closed" he informed me promptly. I shrugged and shook my head. School was most definitely open the next day.

A half hour later, a text was sent to all staff and parents informing them that school would be closed as a security measure.

While I think it is quite silly for the whole economy to suffer because of one man and the whole city to find themselves under house arrest, I have to admit I LOVED it.

I am eagerly waiting for him to revisit Dubai. Thank you Bush for giving us a day off!

Ramadhan Kareem

I have been meaning to write this post for ages. I cannot blame time constraints. I can only blame my laziness.

During Ramadhan, we were invited to iftar at the Ranches. The Ranches is about half an hour from where we live in Jumeirah. Since we left late from home, we would be in the car during fast breaking time. I sat in the car. I gazed out of the window. I occupied my thoughts with anything and everything - but food found its way back into my head. As I consoled my poor stomache, I was greeted with a pleasant suprise. We had stopped at a red light and I saw men running to cars and giving them packages. Turns out, The pharmacy on Al-Wasl road was running a promotion but providing care packages to people on the road at magrib time. What a kind and thoughtful thing to do. Asif described it as a "good deed" and it surely was a good deed.

I wish I had taken a picture of the little box - blue with a picture of a silver sky and mosque. The box contained 2 dates, a glass of water and a little juice packet. I savoured the contents in my box hungrily and happily.

I want to thank the pharmacy on Al-Wasl road for providing us with food to break fast on two occasions.

May Allah bring prosperity to their store - Ameen.

The Move - Questions - A post that went unpublished

This post went unpublished. It was written about a year and a half ago. I remember sitting at Somji and Company writing it at the speed of light. Reading it today and rereading the post I have just written, I can truely say that I have grown. Reading through this post, I am aware of the grammatical errors and sentences that dont quite make senses. I am tempted to change it but I think to be true to how I was feeling at the time, I will not. The post has left unfinished. I dont know why - maybe it was awaiting a post that act as a balm to make it better. Whatever the reason - it was left uncomplete, my emotions and questions were raw. I hope you will enjoy it.

I have moved - where to, I hear you ask (well, most of you already know) - Dubai!

Before this experience, anytime I heard someone was moving - I asked those typical moving questions.

"How do you feel about the move?"

"What are you going to do there?"

"Are you excited?"

And if I was close to the person "Are you ok with the move?"

When you are the one doing the asking, you feel like you are the only one smart enogh to think of those questions , you are the only one who has taken the time to ask these questions. It is the quesioners way of showing support.

For the first time, I was the responder. I was overwhelmed with how many times I was asked - "How do you feel?".

I had the standard reply downpacked - "You know, taking it one day at a time" or "I am not feeling - just working". By the time it was time for me to leave, these questions were breaking me down. I heard my real thoughts and feelings being voiced.

Really, while I acknowldged the concern and support of these questions, most times I didnt really want to talk about the move. Denial was a good place for me.

Arriving into Dubai, I was scared. I know I always say this - but really, I was scared. I honestlty think the reason I was so frightened was because I had talked about my feelings so much. These questions make you realize all your fears and multiplies them.

Dubai brought fresh faces, but the questions were stale. I got the revamped moving questions.

"How are you settling in?"

"How do you feel about the move?"

"What are you going to do?"

Really, I dont know what I am going to do! I am scared and the more you ask me - the more frightened I get! I see my skillset I developed so eagerly over that last few years fleeting right before my eyes. I cannot remember how to drive, how to cook, and most importantly - how to teach!

How to say all this to a person whose name I can barely recall?

I dont have any solutions however. I know what made me the move easier though.

PRE-MOVE
The overwhelming amounts of "I will miss you" I heard. Even if it was fake, it was nice to feel irreplacable for a few days.

The well wishes. These came in form of words voiced, cards, facebook messages and hugs. It sounded something like - "Good luck", "I will pray for you", "Take care of yourself" and "Thank You". I loved the occasional hugs I recieved - tight but gentle - telling you everything you needed to hear without having to say a word.

The food - I loved the hanging out with people you had been meaning to hang out with for all your life, but never really got chance. I loved the hanging out with my friends and my family.

POST MOVE
The smiles :) :) :)

The words of encouragement - "You can do it"

Text messages, emails and facebook messages from friends and family from Toronto home(I have to figure out what is home - Mombasa, Toronto or Dubai - can all three be home?)

The Long Awaited Return - Yea RIGHT!!!

The last few months have been a flurry of passing moments. I cannot believe how quickly they have passed. Amongst the commotion we like to call life, I ignored things important to me such as my blog. I distinctly remember the day my blog came to a stop.

The week had been busy - dates with friends had been planned all week long. I had barely a momemt to myself. Being the loner that I am, I was suprised to find that I was actually enjoying the large amounts of socializing that I had been upto. Anyway, walking along the Main Streets, admiring the old streets and taking in the european charm, I realized that I hadnt blogged all week long! Random thoughts then came to mind - and lingered a little too long unfortunately.

Could it be that until now I watched life from the sidelines and simply wrote about it in attempt to forge a more exciting life for myself?

Could this new exciting life, full of friends, coffees and laughter take over my need to write?

Was I busy living the life I wrote about that I now had no time for recounts?

Was my blog not important to me anymore?

I could go on but I will spare you. In the last five months, I often logged on determined to write something, anything .... but nothing came to mind. Nothing motivated me!

Now sitting at Lolly's desk at Somji and Company, I have this need to write. To retell all the adventures I have had, all the dreams I have realized, all the random thoughts that pop into my head.

For those who have been asking why I havent blogged in a while, I hope I have answered your questions - well, facebook has to take some blame. For those that have asked when I would blog again - OFTEN is my reply.

With Love......

Rainboots!!

Excited does not begin to explain how I feel today. I woke up this morning to the lovely sound of pitter-patter. Usually, this sound would explicit a groan from me - rain...urg!! But today, my thoughts went to my shiny new rubber rain boots waiting in the closet. YES!!! I could wear my boots and with good reason too.

I put on my jeans, rolled up the pant legs enough to let a peak of rain boot delight flash through and smiled. I loved my new boots.

I felt like a stylish farmer girl.... How could the swirls of brown and blue flowers painted on my boots make me so happy??

Driving to work, each raindrop that fell on my windshield made me happier. I couldn't wait for my outdoor yard duty at school. As luck would have it, it was an indoor recess :(

Maybe not today but watch rain puddles - here I come!!

A long short kinda week

Have you noticed that short weeks always seem to drag on longer than a regular week?

First of all, I think Muslims should have Friday off - afterall it is Juma' .. shouldnt that count as a continuous religious holiday in addition to the weekend? Muslims are law abiding citizens and we follow the law of the land so we have to follow the Saturday and Sunday weekend rule. I mean, is it too much to ask to be able to attend Friday prayers? This will also help to eliviate the long short week stress I have been dealing with! I guess I may be fighting a losing battle there!

I am trying to figure out what helps to make the week go faster - keeping busy or doing nothing. This week had been a busy busy week, but that didnt help... and usually, I am glued to the tv doing nothing - that doesnt help.

Why is this soo complicated???

Well, Friday is here! Enjoy the weekend!!

The Vegetable Trick

I have been trying to watch what I eat. Someone told me to try not to mix protein and starch - so meat and veges or potatoes and veges. Not meat and potatoes with veges rotting in the fridge.

Now this makes it really hard to make Sheppard's Pie b/c the two main ingredients are potatoes and meat. Anyway, I was determined to try this new meal plan. So I made Sheppard's Pie today substituting the mashed potatoes with mashed cauliflower. When I served the food, Asif noticed a difference in the texture. I told him not to think too much about it - I tried a different recipe using a different kind of potato. I watched Abbas and Asif play with the food out of the corner of my eye. Abbas tried a little forkful.

"How is it Abbas?" I asked bright eyed.
"Its.... interesting" Abbas replied. He is too polite. He continued to eat.

I told Asif what it was and he pushed the plate aside and made himself some eggs. I was insistent that it was good and healthy! I had two helpings just to make a point. It was awful!

I have tons of this Sheppard's Pie left. Feel free to come over and try it before it goes into the compost!

Oh yea - the compost! I LOVE the compost!

The Lost Wallet

I resort back to retelling uninteresting blurbs about my life. At this point of my life, I have no insights, political/religious views I care enough about to share.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand - A lost wallet. On my way home on Wednesday after an exhilarating cycle class, I tried to fish for my wallet. My hook came up with NOTHING. I couldnt find my wallet! I was frantic and spent the first few minutes taking deep breaths in my car to calm myself.

I am thinking a few things -

1st thought - I lost my wallet at the mall I work out at. A few months ago, I lost my hijab at the gym... someone thought a two piece scarf held together with a safety pin was a good steal. Now, I lost my wallet! Are these signs? How am I to read these signs? What will be the next thing to get lost there - I sure aint losing any pounds!

2nd thought - When I lost my scarf, I thought it to be the funniest thing. I ran out the mall sheltered my by winter hood. However, when I lost my wallet, I was so upset. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Shouldn't I have been more stressed to have lost a symbol of my religion over a wallet of only materialistic importance (pointed out many times to me by Asif and my mom).

3rd thought - Having no one to listen to me complain at home, I shared my wallet story with my students at school. These 6 year olds impressed me to bits. After I shared, one of the kids put his hand up. "Ms. Fazal, I am going to look for your wallet everywhere", he said sincerely. Another kid said, "Ms. Fazal, I have a dollar to buy a snack, do you want it?". At the time, I started to laugh explaining to them that I had some money and thanked them for their kindness. As the day wore on, my thoughts went back to those kids. What a lesson in generosity and kindness I learned from that day - the day I lost my wallet!

Anis, if you are reading, I need a new wallet. Any samples??

Never ending Writer's Block

I have a problem. I dont know what to write about. Its weird! I think I have a bad case of writer's block. I havent updated my blog since the beginning of March, and I keep hoping something interesting will pop into my head to write about, but alas - the vacuum in my head is getting larger with every passing moment. What's going on?

I think facebook plays a role in this problem. While I worry about my writer's block, 30 grade 7 kids join me in the library...

The hijab debate continues....

A Quebec girl was asked to remove her hijab so she may be allowed to continue to play soccer. The girl was asked to do so in accordance to FIFA rules. What upsets me is that Fifa has left the decision to enforce this rule upto to the discreation of the refree.

I am not impressed! I wish a stand had been taken!!!

Click here to read the article.

Identity Theft - Simple as 1 - 2 - 3 - 4

Last weekend, when I was asked what my hijab meant to me, I replied - security. This created some discussion amongst us. Can the hijab keep you safe?

Wearing the hijab provides the hijabi with a sense of comfort in her environment but - I hate to be the one to break it to you all - it wont keep predators away! (Sabira, thanks for shattering my sense of security ;))

Click here to watch some steps you can take to keep yourself safe at all times.