A bad day

 Today I just want to cry. My heart is heavy and I feel so wounded. I just want the tears to flow but I can't. Tears please flow

The art of manifesting

 I think I get it.

This is what happens now.

I have subconscious beliefs and labels I operate from. These are:

1. I am a positive person.

2. I am strong (emotionally)

3. I like people to think I'm emotionally strong and like to be praised for getting through tough times with a smile.

Enter various situations to test my beliefs:

A few days after my dad passed away, I remember going to my aunt's house and I was happy there. I remember thinking, "When I go back home, I'll be sad and everyone will say, "Oh, poor her. She needs to be away from the house to be happy, and I will be the girl who needed to be away from the house to be happy". 

After that, every scenario about death and strength played out in my head. My mum was the youngest and her husband died early therefore my husband will die early too because I am the youngest. I will have the opportunity to show my emotional strength like my mother did. The stories continue.

Asif fell sick - wow, Fatema is so strong.

Zaynab falls sick (in anyway) - Fatema is so strong.

Miscarriages - Fatema is so strong.

Noor is born with a hole in her heart - Fatema is so strong.

Asif falls sick again - Fatema is so strong.

Fatema goes back to work after 5 months of maternity leave - Fatema is so strong.

Family goes from 7 to 13 overnight - ohhh, that's a great story and Fatema is so strong.

Is there a pattern? Seems so.

I need to switch the pattern and start to manifest from a place of consciousness and a place of purpose.

I need to find my purpose. 

Finding Direction

We all have an inner compass that guides us along our journey called life. Sometimes we get lost along the way, sometimes we have stop to ask for directions but eventually, we hope we will get to our destination.  This gets me thinking about a few things:

Is there just one destination to get to? I don't think so. We are on a journey with multiple destinations and most times, we don't return to our original destination. 

Imagine for a minute, you want to go somewhere new, it's kind of far and you have kind of been there before, but not really - but today, that's where you want to go. What do you do? Well, if you are me, you ask everyone who has been on the journey to tell you about their journey, then you look on google maps for directions, traffic news, and your ETA. Then you write the directions down, incase google maps doesn't work. And when you finally head on the road, you proceed cautiously. For the first part of the journey, you turn on your music and chill out because you are familiar with the beginning route I know. As you get to the unknown roads, you sit a little straighter, turn down the music and focus quite intently. You may even stop to ask for additional directions. Then you finally get to my destination. PHEW! All this would happen if you were me.

Now, in my tangible life, after spending some time at my destination, I would head back home.  But I think when I am growing mentally and spiritually, I don't really want to go back home, because that would be regression. I might visit it and pick up something I forgot, but the new destination, my new mindset, is my new home until I'm are ready to grow again - and so starts the journey again.  In this mental journey, a clear sense of direction is really important because when google fails, and when there is construction on the road, you can only rely on yourself to navigate. 

In your new home, you may see some familiar faces, and you will definitely see new faces. 

Now, let's just say I have lived happily in my new mindset for a year and oh, it's time to move again. This time, I have go even further and I need directions. Will I call my old people for directions? Will they even know the way? Or will I look to the people who are currently around me? Well, I think I answer is obvious. Ofcourse, my current tribe (which may include people from my older tribe). But what do I do in my real life? I still ask  and hope for validation my old people, even though I know they have never been on that journey, even though I know there are other people who can guide me better but I hang on to the old because once upon a time, they guided me so well.

Today I am making a decision to sit with something when I want clarity. I will ask myself, what should I do? And I will listen to myself because I have everything within me to guide me.

The Storm

There was a storm brewing inside me today. This whole week, I have tried really hard to let things slide, to trust myself and not let things bother me. 

So as always my youngest woke at 6 (strike 1) and refused to eat breakfast (strike 2). I let her sleep longer this morning because, well, why not! She refused to settle for her afternoon nap, crying for ages (strike 3)! 

At this crying point, my eldest walked in from school and as always, started chatted happily. What did I do? I took my frustration out on her. Barely able to focus, I couldn't give her the time she needed and deserved. I told her, "Look, I'm stressed! Don't bother me." What did she do? She gave me space. 

I carried on working, cooked and tried to compose myself. She started talking again. What did I do? The same thing. What did I say? "Look, I'm really angry today.  Not at you, but I'm angry". What did she do? Reluctantly, gave me more space.

My heart was racing. Everything was bothering me. As the afternoon wore on, I got more and more grumpy. By this point, my eldest was picking up on my energy, refusing to say her prayers and being really ridiculous.  I thought I am going to flip. 

Then while my daughter said her prayers, I said my prayers too.  As I prayed, I picked out mistakes in her prayer - too fast! too unfocused! too much! The storm had reached my throat now. I visualised giving her a real telling off after my prayers. I was so involved in myself, in my anger and in my frustration,  I didn't realise that actually, I had made plenty of mistakes in my prayers. Not only did my daughter notice, she asked me to explain my prayer to her. Whoops! 

As I closed my prayer mat, I felt calmer and more collected. I don't know if I was it the prayer or the mistakes that humbled me but I am so relieved that I calmed down. If I had given her a telling off today, I would have been in the wrong today.

There was a storm brewing inside me today.  It cleared and I am so glad it did. 

Would you believe it if I told you that she just apologised for her behaviour - unprompted. Hmmm....  (sigh of relief and happiness).

Confused identity

As a child, I have always been the timid one. I'm not sure how things were in your household, but with us, each of us had a special label that was attached to us, a way to identity who were were and our personality. My brother, well, he was 'the boy'. It doesn't get better than that. My sister was 'the lively one', 'the live of the party','the cool one' and I, I was 'the sheep', 'the timid one', the shy and quiet one'. I always looked enviously at my sister and her big personality. I wished I was popular, a people-magnet, beautiful and funny. But I was smart and witty and sensible. Those were good things too right....

All was well in our house of labels, until my sister moved out. There was a silence in the house, an emptiness that I could not fill, and I was reminded of that daily. I began to consciously transform myself into her. I learnt how to laugh heartily (really, I'm the girl who giggled and hiccuped (sometimes snorted) as I laughed), I learnt how to small talk and crack jokes and add flavour to a conversation with silly accents. To those who didn't know the old me, I was dynamic. To those who knew me, I was trying too hard. To those who knew my sister, I just wasn't dynamic enough. Slowly, I shred myself of my personality and took on another.

As my sister got older, she went from vivacious to quiet, leaving a space for me to enter and fill the void I could never fill before. I slowly became the loud one, the funny one, the adventurous one, the carefree one. I was the one I could never be before. I was so happy but scared. I had fooled everyone and I lived (and still live) in fear that people will catch me out. People will eventually realise that I am not that interesting and I am a little awkward. On the days that people catch a glimpse of my sister's real personality, she outshines me, without even trying. 

Today I am mother and my daughter is me. She is shy, timid and awkward and it drives me mad because she is who I have tried so hard to be rid of. She says things I think, but dare not say. She is confident in her shyness and I see people accept her for who she is. She isn't super popular but she is well-liked and has good friends. Perhaps I used to be like that but never understood that people liked me as I was. 

Maybe that's why I am confused because I don't know who I am.  I can't go back to the shy, timid girl I used to be.  As my sister heals and finds her super power, I am wondering if the two of us can coexist or will I shun myself back in the corner? 

It's hard when you compare yourself to others. Hopefully, in time, I will find my true self (a person that is me and her together - smart and funny, loud and sensible, adventurous and cautious) .. a real merging of the best of us. 

The Worries

 I worry. A lot. I am trying not to but I do. And when I worry, I rely on good old Google to provide the solutions to my worries.  I can spend hours reading about other people's experiences and reactions to things I am going through. I like to strategize about how I will tackle the issue at hand and when I get in panic mode, I write the plan and stick as rigidly as possible to the plan. 

What's the world crisis I am resolving today you ask... sleep! After a month and a half of sleep training, Noor ( my 9 month baby) is now sleeping in her cot without white noise and a swaddle and most importantly, without me shooshing and patting her. YEY!

So what's the problem now? 5:45am wake up! What should I do? So many contrasting opinions - feed/don't feed. Earlier bedtime/ later bedtime. Overtired/undertired.  How the hell did our parents do it? They didn't have Gina Ford telling them to wake baby up after an hour! 

While I am trying to allow myself to relax about it, Google and I were already strategizing under the sheets this morning as I prayed vehemently for her to go back to sleep.

It's really easy for me to say, I'm not going to worry. I do. A lot. I have a plan in place and I am sticking to it. Perhaps I need to rely on my intuition to help me resolve this? The plan isn't working anyway. It can't get worse than this can it? ( I hope I have not challenged the God of Early Rising to show me how much worse it can get!)

The problem is I'm scared to trust my intuition.  How can I be right when Google and the thousand sleep consultants say otherwise? And every time she doesn't follow my carefully thought out plans, I feel I have failed and the cycle starts again. Bin the old plan. Begin trouble shooting. Worry Worry Worry. ANGER! BLAME! SNAP! Produce New Plan. A moment of peace.

Will the cycle end?

Shedding Skins.... Preparing for inspiration

It's 7:45pm and my second child is in her crib, self soothing (to uneducated ears, it sounds like crying but really, it is her grumbling saying, "Hey, please let me play for a little longer"). I like to put her down before the adhaan, because the loud, soothing call to prayer seems to lull her to sleep every night.  It also wakes her up every morning at 5:30am and prematurely from her afternoon nap (that's when I wish I had that bloody mute button but I have to accept, I can't control it all).

Anyway, I digress. It's 7:51pm.  The adhaan is over. My daughter is asleep. My other daughter is having dinner and I... well, I am supposed to be saying my prayers and I will be, right after I finish this post. Not that I don't value my prayer, or my routine. More that, I am ready to shed my old skin. I am ready to find my voice. I am ready to let inspiration touch me and I am ready to inspire.

Right after I say my prayers, answer my eldest daughter's questions, meet my friends for coffee, watch some Netflix and worry about my youngest daughter's nap schedule. Actually, CORRECTION - I'm not going to worry about her schedule. Actually, FURTHER CORRECTION - I'm not going to worry!

The old me would be worried about about not worried. The new me will probably be worried too, but the new me is going to react different to worry.  I'm going to thank it for coming. I'll entertain it for a few minutes (I mean, we are old friends). Then I am going to find a way to say goodbye. In a few weeks, I think worry will get the hint.  If not, I worry about it then.

Almost a year and what a year!

So, it has been almost a year since my last blog. I am so shocked with how quickly time has flown and my nonchalant attitude towards my blog. I remember when I first began this blog, I was a vision of obsession - everything was a story, everything was "blogworthy".

Like my previous blogs, I am tempted to make excuses for not blogging but this time, I can't think of a single good excuse. This last year has been inspiring, eventful, and full of unexpected beautiful surprises that I wish I penned.

My experience of living Dubai has been incredible - a journey of new learning and opportunities for continued growth. One of the things I have dabbled in this year has been life coaching. One of my motivations for taking this accreditation was to get over my crazy fears - like dogs. While I am still scared of dogs, (and was almost attacked by one last week - I can still hear my scream of terror echoing in the street), I am excited to announce that I am looking to the future and unexpected with hope, courage and strength. I don't know what secrets the year ahead has hidden for me to experience, what jewels of wisdom I will learn, what new friendships I will discover, but I know I am ready and I am excited!

Looking forward to 2009!
With Love....

Read the post written on October 10 - The post that went unpublished - It supplements this entry beautifully.